Bricks.

     Lately my mind has been a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. You're thinking, "typical girl", right? Well, its just me and that is the truth. I feel as if my thoughts like to haunt me throughout my day...but I let them. That, right there is my problem. I. Let. Them.  Thoughts about myself, thoughts about the present and thoughts about the future, but also, thoughts about the past. Just like regular 'ole ghosts. Sometimes these thoughts get me down and make me question what I was thinking in that moment. Why did I make those decisions? Why did I act in such a way that I knew was wrong? Instead of the wonderful times when I realize how much those decisions and action have shaped me and grow me into the woman I am today. I need to be grateful daily for my mistakes I have let haunt me and let them fully change me.
    I have been truly realizing how much Satan has a grip on my thought life in a negative way (as if there could be a positive?). He uses my day-to-day thought tumblings to distract me from God's daily opportunities within this world. I will start thinking about something and it will trigger more and more thoughts of What-If's? and What-Should-I-Do's? Satan has discovered my amazing ability to be distracted within my brain and within my heart (possibly a condition of yours too?). I allow myself to get twisted on different situations in my life and focus all of my attention on them, when in reality, it is a beautiful day outside and there are so many people to be loved. 
    So many people. People who are hurting and struggling 20 feet away from me. What stops me from taking the extra two minutes to encourage and reach out?
    A friend posted on my facebook wall this week a simple little message, "hello. i miss you. thought you should know." I told him that he made my heart smile, but I don't think he realized how big the smile was. I was grinning from ear to ear. Just those few simple words made my roller coaster of a day that much better. I know we shouldn't build our life's foundation upon people's words and feelings because that would be one unstable house. But, who says you can't use them as building bricks with which you surround yourself with walls of love? Cheesy, I know, but if you know me you should be used to it....the cheese just always comes.
    This weekend I have taken a couple walks and runs around our neighborhood to clear my head and just REST. Not physically, but mentally. So many things have been popping up in my life with friends, family, and hurt. I worry I will make the wrong decision or not be there for a person when they need me because I am selfishly lodged up in my own mind.
    I know I am a vessel of God to be used by God. I am so thankful for the AMAZING opportunity He has blessed me with: to be a light within this world of sadness and hurt. But, I am afraid that I have allowed this opportunity to create a fear within my heart. What if I am supposed to give that beam of light to a person and I don't? It scares me. It scares me that we can plant such seeds within people's days and lives. It honestly scares me when I sit and think about it. It could have such a big impact on a person....but what if we don't do it once? You see, that is Satan's genius plan within my mind. "Let's make her feel guilty about her "human-ness". She can't possibly give a little beam of light to everyone in her life that is hurting. She can't keep up with everyone and she can't always stay in touch. Let's make her feel guilty." Lies.
    Satan is feeding me lies...and I have fallen into his trap...and I want out. I have had three people in my life lately who have told me that it is not my job to fix everybody. One literally told me to "Stop believing Satan's lies. You have to feed yourself the truth." I felt like someone just chucked a rock at my head. So that's what I have been doing?
    I hear many people's stories of hurt and i just want to fix their hearts. That is not my job. I am just one brick upon what should be, their solid foundation of God. I am not made to hold their hurts, HE is. I am not made to remove their pain, HE is. I am not made to fix their brokenness, HE is. I do not have the abilities to do God's work, because HE IS GOD.  I am made to be a light, a brick upon HIS foundation. I am made to add God's love to the walls that surround them, but I cannot do it all. I am human. I cannot  physically and verbally stay in contact with all of those on my heart. But I can PRAY.
    I have decided there are friends that I just have to start praying for and keep praying for, even as they fall in and out of my daily life. It has been one of the hardest things for me to come to realize these past few months. I can't allow Satan to use my lack of contact with them to add more guilt to my heart. That guilt, is ultimately what I let drag myself down. I am not able to stay in touch with everybody, nor can I fake it. If I am investing in a person, I want to invest in them. I don't like drive-through relationships. Give me a good sit-down restaurant. There will always be memories....and there will always be prayers. This may make no sense to some of you reading, but it might to others. I need to discover how to let go, but still keep praying. God and I are working on that right now. It is time for Truth-telling and not lie-believing.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.    John 14:27

This brick is going for a run before church tomorrow to "rest". yes. i. am.